


just deserts

by eastbenders



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M, a sudden and inexplicable swerve towards the homoerotic, attempte d murder, attempted car sales, author doesn't know canon, deliberate badfiic, disturbing biology, i am sorr y for everything, irrational behaviour, poking the fourth wall with a big pointy stick, references to baked beans, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 06:00:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2218443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastbenders/pseuds/eastbenders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ian beale decides to kill max branning. his plan doesn't come together.... but they do</p>
            </blockquote>





	just deserts

"I hate max branning, i wish he was dead" said ian beale to himself becuz nobody was listening

but he was ian beale so he was used to that.

so he carried on thinking

"I think i will kill him" he thought. "i will kill him and then he'll be dead. yes,. i'm going to do it. and i will use my car because he's a car salesman haHa !"

he'd decided on a plan and he decided he liked this plan so he went to put the plan in action

he went to his car and opened the door and got inside and put his key in and turned it and released the handbrake (after putting on his seatbelt ofc. he was going to murder safely.) and pushed the peddles and then drove of

 _vroom vroom_ he went round albert square, although not round because it was a square

but Ian beale was not thinking about geometry

he was only thinking of MURDER!

and gear changes

(his car was a bit shit and the clutch was sticky)

and then as he crunched into second gear, he saw he's victim................................ mAZ BRANNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ian filled with feelings

"i hate you and i wish yu were dead!" creamed ian and made the car quickly

it ZOOOOOOOOMED towards max at a really fast speed, like 42 or maybe 38mph

"oh no he's going to kill me" worried max as the vehicle gleamed towards him

"YEEEEeeeessss, finalyy" screached iann "THIS IS FOR LUCKY"

it got closer and closer and closer and max was frozen in plaice, only able to watch as it got closer, heading straight towards him at a unbealievable speed, powered entirely by the angry man at the wheel and also by the car's engine

it was going so fast and it wouldn't stop, soon it would hit his knees and then he would be dead

his life flashed before his eyes but only in half-hour installments

but still the car came closer, speeding along at great speed, maybe even 49mph by now, it was coming closer and closer, soon it would be too late, his life ended by the shiny ironic doom that was getting closer and closer and CLOSER

but then................................ . . ........ ................................ .... ........................ ........ .. ........................................................ ........ ........................ ................ ........................................ ... ........................ ................................ ................ .. ........ ........ ,,, ................

the car stalled

and MAX BRANNING'S KNEES WERE SAVED as it rolled to a stop just in front of them

max was alive

ian was disappointed

max looked at the car. "mate your car is shit u shuld buy a new one........................ from me"

"ok" said iain "what car do you recommend i kill you with"

"well i have a few suggestions but it depends on your price range" said max, "and i can't mention brand names because this is the BBC"

so they went to see all of the cars and max gave ian lots of facts about each one although he maybe lied a bit here and there, but ian didn't notice because he was still thinking about murder, so it was his own fault if he got a bad deal. and they went for a nice little test drive with max in the passenger seat and ian quite enjoyed it but that was just because it was a nice car and not because he was secretly full of deep homosexual lusts

"ok i will take it" said ian when they were done "now get out the car so i can kill you"

MAx grinned and shook his head. it was time to reveal his master plan

"you can't kill me.... it's not Christmas"

it was true. ian knew it was true. "fuck those ratings"

"how about you fuck me instead" winked max

"are u serious"

"no i'm max" he said cleverly

"fuck you" sweared ian again, even tho it was before 9pm

"yes please do"

ian was boggled. "but why should I sleep with you, im not even gay????????/

"because you're secretly full of homosexual lusts" explained max.

"damn" said ian. he had been found out.

max reached over and put his hand on ian's gear stick

"why don't you let me drive if you're nervous"

"im not nervous...!! and don't grab that in public, what will people think???"

"nobody will notice," said max, "they're all in another scene"

"oh" said ian" okay then"

so max pushed the stick into second gear

"ohh, that's a bit fast" moaned ian

"shut up you love it" growled max and started kissing him hotly

there was a lot of athletic tongue action and it was so good it made Ian moan again

"i can't bealieve i'm enjoying this so much" he said

"I can" smugged max, and shoved his slippery mouthsnake back into ian's facehole

Max was an expert kisser, his strong pink tasteorgan easily passing between ian's pearly rows of calcium soldiers to writhe thickly on the wet muscle within. it was wriggling about like a tadpole or a sperm or a dying fish, except sexier.

they did that for a long time, and it all felt so good that their tumescent lovemuscles swelled to triple their usual size and they had to stop for a rest before they burst their trousers

ian reached up and tenderly stroked max's bald head. he sighed. "oh max you're so sexy. you remind me of a baked bean"

"is that because i'm so saucy" grinned Max, pinching ian's nipple

"yes but also because you're good with sausages" spoke ian

"but you're the chef," said max getting a wicked glint in his eye "why don't you show me your sausage skills?"

"okay" said ian and pulled max's sausage out. he demonstrated all his skills on it, lavishing attention along the whole meaty length, even the weirdly purple bit that was kind of lumpy

"wow ian i didn't know you had it in you" said max, overcome with pleasure

ian chuckled shyly and then he stopped

"wait why have you stopped" questioned max

"max.... i have something impotent to ask you" ian whispered quietly

"what"

ian blushed and bit his lip and then whispered "....will u take my ass-virginity"

"alright" said max romantically, "just don't scream when i break ur ass-hymen"

"i promise i won't" ian promised, his cheeks flushing a rosy shade of pink. he was so exited!

"okay, hold still" max said erotically

so ian did and then max put his dick up ian's butt and took his ass-virginity

it was amazing. they both came everywhere.

and ian didn't try to kill max again for another six months


End file.
